My weight…fat is just a product of how negative so many things have been throughout a majority of my life. With a most of the pounds gone and nothing to grasp onto, no excuses, nothing to hide behind, everything’s hit me harder than any other time before…I have to face reality. It’s clearer, it’s painful.
I’ve kept to myself for so long. I’ve had no self worth. No assertiveness. No confidence. I was too nice. I was too afraid…and it kept getting worse.
I’ve thought too long, cried too long, and wished far too many times for everything to end.
I’m exhuasted. I’m exhausted of believing negative people and not believing in myself. I nearly, completely, lost who I am to them.
That being said…I’m thankful I still have an ounce of strong will somewhere still inside of me, a very small part of me that holds on and still believes everything will be okay one day, I will make it better one day. I’m thankful it’s pulled me out of every dark hole before it’s become my grave. I’m thankful for every person who has saved me at the very last minute.
When I began running…there was a moment in time where I felt free from this dark cloud. I learned I was responsible for what happens, how I feel, and I had control of my life. I almost lost that, stopped believing in myself, and started letting the negative thoughts and people tear me down again.
Today, I’m making a change. I’m letting go of the shit. I’m working on coming to terms with the past, and rebuilding myself. I want to feel the sun again and breathe easier.
It’s going to be hard because I don’t have much to start from, not much to guide me, but I’ll stay positive and keep making changes for the better.
It’s time to face fears…